Firewhiskey Fic: Life Imitates Art!
by UnseenLibrarian
Summary: An innocent game of Hearts, played with normal playing cards, becomes MUCH more than a card game quite quickly.  A Feb 2012 Firewhiskey Fic entry - drunken misspellings are part of the charm  and required - no beta allowed !


******For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!******

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><p><strong>Pairing(s)Characters: **Draco/Hermione, Draco/Hermione/Ron, Ron/Harry, Harry and others, Lucius and others  
><strong>February's PromptChallenge:** Hearts All Aflutter. I was ALSO challenged to include Mod Porn during the chat session.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> An innocent game of Hearts, played with normal playing cards, becomes MYHCH more than a card game quite quicly.  
><strong>RatingWarnings:** M, at least -0 Gambling and cards and fucking  
><strong>Word count:<strong> 1, 2, 3, 4 ...  
><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>  
>Sooo, I drew heavily from my own college days of playing marathon games of Hearts.<p>

Well. No. nt really. Not heavily. There were just inklings of it appearing in my writing, but nit my entire minds' etye picture was of my old dormitory.

I want HP characters. Most of them. Serioiusly.

**A Winner:** Won the "FUNNIEST ENTRY" and the "FAVOURITE ENTRY" awards at the LJ February 2012 FirewhiskeyFic Fest.

**I REPEAT:** ******For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are allowed!******

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><p>"S'ryour deal, Harry." Hermiuone sucked on the neck of her bear bottle. Himm, it was empty. "Someone get me nuther beer, wouldha?"<p>

"Sure, Mione," siad Ron, who wth was hoping he'd get some later.

(Fat chance.)

"I fucking HATE that nicelame I mean nickmaen!" screeched Herms. "I am hot Mione, I am HERmione. A woman! Her! Don't forget it!"

"I soryy, I sorry!" dwnre cao cowered Ron. He hazarded an additoonal comment. ":you ARE hot, though..."

"Whatev. Ron. Your dick is the size of a baby doxy. Not my idea of satistfuyng," she answered, still miffed.

"I like your dick, Ron, " whicer whispered Harry, shyly. "and it isn't that small, donm't listen t h er to her, that know it all"

"What! Harry, you are supposed to be my best friend" Hermione cryed.

"Well, yeah, I am, but I fuick,tg oing want to FUCK rob Ron and have him be Bottm and to do that I have to butter hium up – hee hee both figuratively AND literally!" Harry grinned, dealing out the cards as he did so. He did it Muggle fashion, with his hands, insteado f waving his wand around like sokm big wig Wizard. Which he was, but still. He needed SOME exercise, and dealing helped buuld his muscles for masturbating.

"Would you two PLEASE get a room," draweld Malfoy, who was draped across the sofa like the Sex God he thought he was.

"Draco? Really? Do you want them to leave? It will be ust uis then. You and me. Mudblood and Purefuck. Playing Hearts. Yeah? Is that what you want?" Hermiuone batted her eyelasses and baseballs at him.

"Excucse me. I think Lognbottom is still playing. And thomas. And Crevasse or Creevey or whatever the fucj he is ff called." Draco retorted, shifing awwewardly as his cock started to buldge our of his crotch. Wish I'd workn my robes, not my Muggle clothing, he thinked top himdesrlf.

"We aren't playing any more, " said Nevile. "Hermione is the Qiueen of Hearts, and her card-playing ,eaves us all in the dust."

"Then what the fuck are you doing here,?" asked Malfoy as he shifted uncoimvertabley in his seat. Yah, that's the word.

:"We'rd having a circle jerk over this magical cracker in the middl of our circle." Answered Dean Thomas, his hand never stopping in his pulling of his pud.

:"What makes it magical;?" asked Hermione iun interest, even as she ploped ioerhe herself onto the sofa next to Draco. Oh heah, she'd seen the buldgew in the Sex God's trouxhser. Perhaps he WAS sometihng to write home about afeter all.

"It's b magical because the person who has to eat it (ugh, fuck, yeah, I'm, coming) gets to fuck whoever he wants in the crcle." Replydd Crevasse Creavey, yanking on his yoni..

"Guess that won't be you then, Crev-ASS, you have bno stamina,: " said Dean, who was using both hands to jerk his cock off like there was no tomorrow. He was black afert all, and you know what they say ... hjer was long and think and uncircumsized and both Nevelle and Crevass were hoping he'd fuck them so hard they suyn would sign soprano tomorrow am. But first, they had to get him to eat the cracker.

**Anyway,**

"So, its me, and you Granger, and Poophed and Ronaldstiltskin..." started Malfy.

"N op[e ... Ron finally realizedHarry wants to uck him u the arse, so he's bend over the bed in their room," stated Hermione, in what she thought as a suecuctive pose. I mean, tone of voice.

"Huh. Really. So it's just you and me?" asked Draco, tossing aside his cards. His hand, wich had beeb full of hearts, fluttered down all around he and Hermione. She ghiggle.d, edging closer to him. Finally, she thought. I've got him in my clithces. Er, cluitchetr. Clitoris? Whatever. I want him.

Malfoy couldn't wait to fuck Hermione. He'd wanted her for ages, ever since Pansy had decided to join a convent and fuck with the nuns. He turned his smokiest gaze in hermione's directoy. He licked his lips in what he thought was a s3exy way.

Just as Hrtmo0mr Hertmioone was about to climb into the very eager Ma,fys Lap, the door FLEW ope,n. In strode two of the most amazing women Herimone AND Malfy had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm RiverTempest," saiod RoverTempest.

"Hi. I'm LeterarySpell," said Cl;iterarySpell.

"We want to show you what a really good time is all about," they said in unison. (I spelled that right. Ay.)

Malopfy looked excited. Oh boy! Some real, live femals to play with! Not one of these two-dimensional wommen you only read about. He started to stand.

"Wait just a moment, Draco,: " cam,e a familiar drawl.

"Fuck:" said Mafloy.

"That is, should I say, the hope. Rivertempest. Please, come with me. I guraratee you will bnot be disappointed with my wand's performance." Klucius's honeyed purr spoke of decades of practice.

The beautoful Fivertemptest, a,ready enthralled, melted into Klucius's arms. He smriked at his Son, who was scowling. Klucius th3n walked away though the roomn, making sure everony saw that he had the lovely Rivertempest in his arms, and then he swept her awaqy, up the staires tohis proivate lair, where he proceeded to ravish her thoroughly.

(This meant, he tied her to the bed with velvet green straps, removed her clothing with his teeth, and with the help of an EverLasting Erektion Charm (courtesyuy of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes), he ficked her in the quim, the arse, and her mouth (using a cleaning charm between times, ov fou course. It wouldn't do to be crass.) making sure she orgasmed at LEAST Ten times that evening.)

**MEANWHILE**

LiterarySpell was looking coyluy around. "Whjat's a girl gotta do to get a little action around here, eh?"

Harry, hearing the voice of an angel, pulled out of Ron, shoved his glasses on his face, cleansed himself three times, and bounded out of the dore of his bedroom.

"Merlin's sagging ,eft testical, who are You, my lovely?" he asekd, staind before LiterarySpell in his completely naked form: glasses askew, hair touseled, chest hair glistening with sweat, and his erection prompnently displayed for all to behold.

Malfoy was impressed. :Potters got wood,: he thought to himself. Maybe someday I can get some of that, he mused.

Herlioone was incensed. :How dare Harry take Malfoy's attentiopn qaway from me?

Literary was in awe. "Oh, HARRY! Are you for real? I am LiterarySpell. Just call me Lit." she said with a giggle.

Harry stepped forward, wrapped his arms around Lit, and bent her over in a mindblowing snog.

"L:it," he said, coming up omnly momentarily for air, "how would you like me to show you how the Chosen One handles himself in bed?"

"Oh, YES, please! I need more fodder for my Harry Potter-centric fanfics!" Lt excalmed.

"Then let me carry you to my bedchamber," Harry announded. He swept Lit off er feetm, carrying her straight to his bedroom. The door slammed shit behind hthem.

Moments later, a naken Ron was tossed out on his arse from Harry's bedroom. The door closed and LOCKED with a audible CLICK begind him.

Ron stood, maked, freckled, erect, and un satusficed.

"We;;/ That sucks." He said.

"Nop, that doesn suck," said Hermione, licking ler hips.: "But I do, Ronb. Xomw gewrw. I mean, Come here." She licked her lips again, because Ron, gods blest the numb as a pounded thimb ginger, was hung like a humpbacked whale. Hermione began to suck on that leviathan, while dracko pulled her on top of his dick and bouncerd her up and down in his pal. Lap. Whatev. The three of them fucked like Bunnys while Neville ate a cracker and was quite pleased about it.

**MEANWHILE**

Lit and Harry were in his room. Harry tossed aside his glasses, his green eyes blowing. I mean glowing. He lay Lit on his bed, waving his "wand:" and vanishing her clothng with a workd.

"Normally, I prefer the eroticness of removing a woman's clothes with my own hnds and teeth. However, I can't wait to get at you, wweetheart," he eplaoidn explained, just before he dove betwen her legs and found Lit's Clit wit h his lips.

Lit gaspted, moand, and writhed oblidgingly under Harryt's expert tougning, until she was screaming in orgamsm for the third time that evening. Harry, hearing her breathing start to abate, jumped atop her, kissing her with abandon and letting her taste herself on his lips.

Lit was exctatic. She could feel him, taste him, feel him –er, yeah. It was HARRY! Harry Poter ws here with her, right now!

When Harry's hot, thick, satisfying dick entered her womanlyness, Lt about died with ecstasy. She maoned, groaned, and cryined out her lust ans she gripped Harry's hips and pulled him into her againn and ahain.

After Lit had two more orgasms, courtesy of Harry's fantastic prowess in the sack (unknown to everyone during his Hogwarts years, but Harry was hung like an Abraxan horse and had read more fanfic porn about himself than he'd ever admit, even undrer Veritaserum. He knoew what the ladies wanted, and he wanted it too. He was more than happy to make their dreams COME true.)

He climaxed, long, hard, hot, and gooey-ly. His spunk filled Lit's core and rrooled out onto the sheets.; Thankfully, Harry had been responsibvle and caset a Disease Prevention and Pregnandcy Negation Spell before hand.

Fuck the GOP.

Anyway, They lay in post-coital bliss, fast asleep, until the next morning, when they parted ways with a kiss and a promise to meat up again someday, perhaps when a fanfiction autrhor was feeling like sucking up to the Mods at Firewhisky once more.

Her heart aflutter, LitSpell found RiverTempsest and pulled her to her feet. As she di so there was a distinct sound like Velcro ripping apart. Klucius screamed as his chest hair p[arted ways with his body. Then he rolled over again into slumber.

Lit and Rover swore they would be back, even as they began to fade badck into Real Life, and traffic jams, and toasters that didn't work, and parking tickets, and stupid bosses who seemd toi live only to aggravate them. But, they knew they would always have Klucius and Harry rto lkook back on fondly, and they found t wasbn't so bad to be here iun the Now of Real Life.

There3e was always next month for that repeat preferoments.


End file.
